Wednesday, September 04, 2013

Dreaming of today

Everyone, no matter who you are or where you're at in life gets caught in the funk at times.
We often joke about many of them as "First world problems". The examples are always a bit overblown, but at their core, the idea is correct. However, we all suffer it. Yes, we are exceptionally well off and live lives of extreme privilege. This does not make us immune to the funk though.

Knowing that it's the funk and kicking the funk are two entirely different things. I know I live an extremely well off life. By medieval standards, I live the life of royalty. I have the information of the gods at my fingertips and move about the earth with ease in mystical metal boxes at unheard of speeds, yet treat it nearly as walking down the road.

But still the funk.
I can fall into it when I complete things. I like having projects. When I finish them, I'm left without that purpose... a bit unhinged... unmoored. It's strange. I understand it, but it's weird.

It's been a long time since I've had a "day off", let alone a regular day off. But I'm back in Maryland and we take Tues/Wed off, every week. Mind you, when I say a "long time", I'm not talking about a few months. I mean years. Sure, I have days where I'm not involved with work. I have times where I'm no where near work. But they're not "normal". I don't sit at home and not work. The times I have off are either bad weather or travel time, not a day that I'm where I could work but I just don't. This is strange.

So, I'm out running errands. That's what you do on the weekend right? I'm not really kidding either. Remember... years. So I'm out driving to Walmart and I notice the funk. It's strange. Nothing you can put your finger on and completely irrational. But there it is. So I roll it around and around. Strange. Not crippling depression or anything silly like that, but I should be wicked happy but I've got "the bla's"... wtf? I suspect that people get this when they retire too.

But then I remembered. I pass by some mowed lawns on the way from one store to the next and I remembered... I had dreamt of today... longed for it. Years ago. I had reminded myself back then what I would be and what I would do with it should I ever find it again. I was confined to a wheelchair at the time and not allowed outside without a nurse. I couldn't walk and I couldn't be trusted alone. I might accidentally roll myself into traffic or drop into a seizure. I might go out and forget how to get back, or forget that I even needed to get back. I knew it would be over some day, so it didn't get me down. But I did remember and I do remember how the world looked and what "the other side" looked like. The "normal people" who had the world at their fingertips for nothing more than simply being able to walk up a hill. Walk outside alone. Drive a car. Go where you please. Do what you please. I remember what that all looks like when you can't.

Now, just like "there's starving kids in Africa" doesn't help you finish those green peas, just "knowing" that stuff on an ethereal level won't help, but I lived it. It's real for me. And let me tell ya... the mental shift was dramatic and instant. The moment I remembered that day where I looked out my window up a hill and thought how wonderful it would be when I was able to just decide to go walk up it... in that instant a huge smile came over me, because that day is today.

I'm on the other side of the fence.
The world is my oyster.
But more importantly, I know it.