Like Clockwork

I currently have a natural alarm clock.
I set mine anyway, but I find that I don't need to.

See, every six hours I'm meant to take my pain meds. And they last almost exactly six hours. So I pretty much know when it's getting close to time for an other pill. It's nothing dramatic, but I start to feel a little twinge of "inside pain". This would be opposed to "outside pain" which is from swelling. That disappears as soon as I elevate my leg. "Inside pain" comes from just inside my kneecap, which is where they've drilled.

So, this morning I woke up at a strange hour. My knee was feeling a little sore, so I iced it. Then it dawned on me... hrm... did I forget to set my alarm? I took a look at my clock and Yup... 6:20am. 20 min overdue.

Jim

Out of the dark.

Is there anything scarier than new pain?
Just got back from the physo though, and all is good :)

But man, what a week.
The hardest part I think is the unknown.
Not so much the not knowing what's next, I sorta do, but the not knowing what's "normal" or more importantly if you're doing something wrong.

So, post surgery, they wrap the shit out of your knee with ace bandage stuff... even some insulating type stuff under it. It's to keep DVT away and to help keep compression on your knee to help with swelling.

Well, that wrap prevents you from icing it!

Anyway, long story short, by Friday, even sitting up was uncomfortable. Standing was brutal. Moving around was next to impossible.

Of course, in addition to the swelling, the heavy drugs are wearing off by now. All this adds up to... it feels like you're going backwards!

I have no clue what "normal" is. I just know it all feels worse than the day before... this doesn't seem good! So I calm down and remind myself that I'm seeing my physio soon. She has a blown ACL herself and I'm sure she's treated many people with one, so I'll just wait and freak out later.

My first sign of happiness was this morning I could feel that the icing was starting to take. It's handy that it's winter here, cuz I don't have to go to the kitchen to cool my packs... I just put them on the window sill above my bed. That's a life saver!

Well, my physio confirmed all the stuff I was hoping. The ice is working. The swelling is actually very low, and yes, she's treated lots of ACL patients so she's quite familiar with "normal". The little exercises I've been doing have already paid off and she showed me some new stuff as well. I've been doing right by not walking around a lot. Walking is good, but only for a minute... then back to ice.

I am so flippin happy to know that I'm on the right track.
It's cool to know that I'm actually doing very well so far, but I'm mainly happy that I've not been doing anything bad.

Jim

Heat

"Is it warm in here? Or is it me?"
An innocent question. Simple really, till it matters.

I've been sleeping under a pile of blankets... a big pile. The house is normally cold. We've got a wood burning stove, but anyone that's had one knows that the heat comes and goes. You have to keep after it, or it stays pretty cool.

As I was trying to sleep last night, I felt hot.
Normally this wouldn't be a big deal.
But I've just got out of surgery.
A fever is a huge deal. If you get a fever, you go to the hospital immediately. Fevers are a sign of infection.

I wasn't convinced I had a fever though. I was warmer than normal, but not overly warm. I threw off some of the blankets and didn't feel like I needed my hat (yes, I live with a hat on). Like this, I felt normal.

That's the tricky bit though. If you're running a fever... how do you know? Of course it feels warmer... you're overheating.

Then I remembered that we've got someone staying in the livingroom and Abe appointed him the task of looking after the fire. I figured that he was probably doing an admirable job. So I asked him and yup... the house was just warm.

Whew.

1st layer off

Rather than shoving this in everyone's face on FaceBook... I'll put it here.


With the pressure bandages off, I can finally actually ice my knee.
Before, all the wrapping stuff acted as insulation.

Hell week

The first week is hell.
I knew this before I got on the plane to go to surgery.
The path to recovery requires a pound of flesh.

Your body does not like when they drill holes into your bones. Not at all. And it lets you know it.

After the surgery, you are way wacked out on drugs. They don't let you leave till the next day. Not that you could.

Day 2 isn't much better.
My leg was swollen and "weak". This translates to it feels like a balloon that's about to pop and "weak" means it feels like a ton of bricks. You don't feel "weak" muscles. You feel like your leg weighs 100lbs.

Day 3... will this swelling ever go down?????
That lingering voice in the back of your head keeps warning you about infection. When you get mentally past that one, you've got DVT to keep you worried. Both are very real, so it's not a "just put it out of your mind" thing.

The infection risk got way lower simply by leaving the hospital. Not kidding. Not being a smartass. The best thing you can do from that standpoint is leave the hospital. The antibiotics don't hurt either.

DVT's a kicker.
You need rest right? You need that swelling to go down right? But guess where you get DVT from? Immobility, especially post surgery. So you elevate your leg which helps in many ways. And... uhg... you walk around on your balloon of a leg. The first few steps are the worst. It settles down a bit after that. But that doesn't help the swelling... in fact it does the opposite. Fortunately, the benefits far outweigh the little bit it sets you back in the swelling department.

So when I tell you that I am out of my chair happy that the swelling has started to subside, I think you'll get the picture a bit.

I'm not there yet, but holy crap that's a welcome move in the right direction.

Once the swelling's out of the way, then I can start making real progress. I can already move around my place fairly well. It only starts to suck if I stand in one place too long (which isn't long).

When that goes away, then it's just sore, stiff and weak. Those are easy. I can do that. That's just patience and perseverance. A slow, steady push. Wearing it all down like a river wears at it's banks. I look forward to it.

Jim

Internet

Gotta love the internet.

Latest one... Hey google... my shin hurts after my ACL surgery....
"Yeah, that's normal"

If your calf hurts, look for these other signs...
(mine doesn't)

Freakin amazing.
Also learned that while elevating your leg is good (along with cold, etc), it's also rather important to move around as well. Sure, it sounds simple, but when you're dealing with something like this, you don't take anything for granted.

Such as, I know one of the biggest issues right now is reducing the swelling. Well, running around cuz you can't feel any pain cuz you're on meds, might not be the best idea. So, I'm on minimal meds and very easy but consistent moving around... and a LOT of laying around (watching movies and surfing).

Got my next appointments all arranged as well.
Next up is physio on Monday.
The week after I get my sutures out.
Then back up to Christchurch to follow up with my surgeon.

Jim

Pizza Delivery

When you can barely walk... is there anything quite as sweet as pizza delivery?
I mean seriously.
Pizza, Garlic Bread, Potato Wedges... and a Chocolate Brownie!
Delivered to your door.

And I was concerned about getting something to eat?
30 minutes though. :(
Soon enough.

Jim

Post Op

So far, so good.
Gotta say, that was weird.
One of the strangest bits is I've heard people talk about how much they enjoy the pre-surgery drugs. Well, I'm a freak I guess cuz I hated them. They shoot you up with something right before they put you under... made my world go all wonkey. It was like a TV with bad reception... the picture would flip up and down... for the geeks, the Vhold was out of sync. I did not like this at all.
That wasn't bad though.
Just weird.

When I woke up however.
UHG
No thank you!
Man oh man. Groggy, half there, half not. Just up, so not sure if you're supposed to try and stay up, but you don't want to. That sucked. Lasted a few hours too, though thankfully wearing off the whole time. I'll be quite happy to never do that again.

Knee's good as far as I can tell.
Doc's happy, nurses are happy. Doesn't seem to have too much swelling. Very little pain, but can't tell how much is the pain meds. I'm not taking both meds. They said to use both if it does get rougher.

Time for lots of movies I think.
Jim

5 min

Taxi should get here in 5 min or so.
Then it's off to the hospital.
Strange mix of nervous and exciting. Of course I didn't sleep much last night. All this waiting will do that to ya ;)

Ah well
See ya on the other side.
Jim

Turn it up to ELEVE.... easy there tiger.

It's funny.
One of the hardest things so far is not "finding the motivation". Quite the opposite. It's reigning it in. I've got so much pent up energy that the real struggle is "not cutting loose". It's good though. It's a long road ahead and not having to search for motivation will be a big plus. I'll be searching instead for patience and discipline. Slow and steady win this race.
One of my favourite sayings at the moment to remind myself has become "Don't be a hero".

I look forward to being able to get back to the gym.
Strength training flows well with my condition. Part of strength training is "pushing to failure". Unlike cardio, where you go for long periods and slowly grind yourself down, strength training comes is bursts. You push hard till you can't push. You literally go till your body fails you. Then you rest and push again... till you fail again.

It's a concentrated blast of punishment.
I find that it suits my current situation well.
After I've exhausted myself, I can relax. I've done all I can. I crawl over to the pool and the hot-tub. I love Aqualand (my gym).

It'll be a week or so till I can get back to it.
We'll see how it goes.
Till then, I think I get to live in the internet for a while.

Jim

Junkies are all the same

I'm used to hearing the reactions of pilots when someone quits hang gliding or paragliding.

It's always the same.
There's this denial and shock. In general, it's a mad mental scramble to find ways that "you can still fly!". Like "just give it time" and such. It's a bit comedic really.

See, for a lot of pilots, this isn't something we take up lightly. It's a lifelong passion and we are complete and utter addicts. And of course, we naturally assume that everyone else is too. For us giving up the sport is akin to giving up breathing. We can't fathom not flying and thus we can not fathom anyone else not flying. There's a bit of comedy in this narrow minded thinking. But everyone does it.

So it's been kinda interesting telling people I'm never skiing again.
That statement alone illicits the exact same reaction.

I'm definitely outside the looking glass. It's a strange perspective that I've not had before. I understood it, but it's quite an other thing to see it up close and personal.

Everyone tells me about their friend that's torn their ACL and continued to ski. They use braces and strength training and la-de-da.

Oh the disappointment in their faces when they see that their stories aren't swaying me.

For a while I tried to explain how I wasn't really into skiing in the first place. To them of course, this just sounds like denial. Nevermind that I only skied a handful of times 15-20 years ago. I'm seriously not that into it. But they don't understand how someone can not love it as much as they do.... ah, just like flying ;)

Even if I did love it though, it's not worth it.
The thing people miss is it's not about my physical ability to ski. I should eventually be well enough to go skiing, but I just can not go through this again.

But try explaining that to a junkie ;)

Silver lining

So, don't get me wrong... this sucks. No bones about it, I'd trade it in a heartbeat.
But...
It does provide an interesting perspective.

See, there's an old saying everyone knows... "You don't know what you've got till it's gone".
It was put very well in Fight Club
Tomorrow will be the most beautiful day of Raymond K. Hessel's life. His breakfast will taste better than any meal you and I have ever tasted.

And, my favourite... Lucky Number Slevin...

The unlucky are nothing more than a frame of reference for the lucky. You are unlucky, so I may know that I am not. Unfortunately the lucky never realizes they are lucky until it's too late. Take yourself for instance; yesterday you were better off than you are off today but it took today for you to realize it. But today has arrived and it's too late. You see? People are never happy with what they have. They want what they had, or what someone else has.

So I am in a unique position.
I know what I have and more so, what I am about to lose. Albeit temporarily and thankfully so.

I can very well right now. My knee is in very good shape, as it needs to be for my operation. I remember the day after my accident when I couldn't even put weight on my leg. I was confined to crutches and felt like quite the invalid. It's a strange place when you have to struggle to put on a sock. I know what that world looks like. I've been there twice. And in just over a week, I'll be there again.

The strange part is I'm looking forward to it.
It's going to suck.
A lot.
But, it's the road back.
I have a thought ringing in my head... "I have the most amazing life... I'm very keen to get back to it". When I'm struggling, this is what keeps me going. And I've not yet even begun to struggle. So I push hard at the gym. And it's very easy to push hard. I want my life back... it's easy to find the will power. Almost too easy sometimes. I have to be careful not to push too hard.

But then there's this interesting spot I'm in.
It's not easy knowing you will struggle to so much as shower. Stairs will be mountains. Temporary fortunately. And here I am now. I'm in good shape. I'm quite mobile... I can even drive a manual car, something I won't be able to do soon. And I'm working on being even stronger.

Going to the gym is easy.
I wonder how long it will take to get back to this level. I know how long it takes to get past it and that's the joy of the small hell I'm about to go through... I get to go past where I am even now.

Odd stuff in this head of mine ;)
Jim

Zen Master

I am the zen master.
I don't really have a choice in the matter, but since I am a big believer in cognitive therapy, I have to be.

Ok, hang with me... this one takes a little to get through...

For the uninitiated, it kinda goes like this...
You have some control over that little voice in your head and the way you allow yourself to think about things has a definite impact on your well being.

People call it perspective, or "the glass is half..." There are many ways of expressing it. But the end product is the same. If you walk around "reminding yourself" that "everything sucks!", then it will. If however, you do the opposite, it has the opposite effect.

So.
My flight home from Christchurch today was diverted. We wound up getting bussed up from an other town because the Queenstown airport was snowed in. This is not unheard of, but having snow all the way to the valley floor is uncommon.

Now, I'm not going to tell you that having all kinds of fresh powder on the mountains doesn't hurt a bit. Knowing that I screwed myself up on the one bad day in an otherwise epic season is a bit stingy as well. However, dwelling on this is a very bad idea.

Once I start down that road, I get to make a scorecard of "how it could have been". This is not a mentally healthy process. This is the way of the half empty glass. Though it is a very tempting road, it clouds your vision of what you do have.

So I'm sitting in the bus, looking out the window when someone mentions the epic snow we're getting today. For a moment, pain. Then, I think... "no". "Look out the window you idiot." Before me is the amazing snow capped beauty of the Southern Alps. It is truly stunning. People travel half way around the world to see this. I'm in a bus full of them. And I live here!

I can choose to wallow in misery. Or I can appreciate what I do have and focus on how to enjoy it. It is a conscious decision and it does actually matter (that's the cognitive therapy bit if ya care).

My day instantly got brighter.
And not a surface brighter, I truly felt better.
Nothing had changed but the direction I allowed my thoughts to wander in. It's a deliberate mental action and it does work. It's not 100%, but it helps.

Ah, the stuff that goes through my head before I fall asleep ;)
Cheers
Jim

Ortho

Not a lot of time at the moment... so I'll fill in the details later.
Saw my Orthopedic surgeon today.
Good stuff. Amazed I got to be seen so soon.

Gotta run.
Jim

WOOT!

I'm scheduled in for an MRI today!!!!!
Surgery possibly tomorrow morning!
Someone's getting a big box of chocolates!!!!

I don't have a ton of time to write this up, so it might come in spurts, we'll see. I gotta make sure I've got all my ducks in a row first.

Anyway,
I call down to my Doctor's nurse to get a new referral slip for the Ortho in Christchurch... she let's me know that... WOOPS!... he's a back specialist! OH NOES!

Can I tell you how much my heart sunk!

She then says she's going to do some calling and will get back to me.
I hang up and start banging away on my list of ortho numbers in CRCH.
I'm getting Early/Mid July quotes, so not all horrible.... then...

I get one nurse that sees that I'm booked in for tomorrow with the back specialist. She informs me that, as I know, I'm not likely to get a better appointment... prob mid July at best... and I should keep my appointment. He does do knee work, he's just a back specialist.

Ok, better than nothing right?
At least I'll get the consultation out of the way and hopefully the MRI at least scheduled.

Then....
My local nurse calls back.
Holy crap!.... she's already got me scheduled in for an MRI. Says I should just jump in a cab at the airport and boogie over cuz it's at 3:30.
She's also got me slated up with the surgeon!!!!

HOLY CRAP I'M HAPPY!
Jim

One at a time

So that's step one.
I'm just so happy to be in the pipeline right now.
It's not all roses yet, but I am feeling better about things.

What I'm expecting is that I'll get up to Christchurch and have a visit with the doc. Probably get an MRI, or maybe just get booked for an MRI, but hopefully actually get one. Then, after that confirms what is extremely obvious, that my ACL is completely detached... then I'll get booked in for surgery. No clue what the timetable for that one will be. Hopefully not too long. And if it is long, hopefully there will be someone/anyone in NZ that'll be able to do it sooner.

See, the need the MRI I'm sure not only to confirm things, but also to have a good idea of how to proceed. I know from the doc here that this is surgery time. So confirmation is just a formality. So I'll get there and "get in line" (make an appointment) for surgery.

Till then, it's just "killing time".
On the upside, I get to see my friends up in Christchurch. :)

Ortho

Holy crap, I get to be seen on Wed!
WOOT!

Ok, so here's the long story.
The doc on Saturday wrote me up a referral for a guy in Dunedin (close-ish city) and said I'd get an appointment in the mail over the next couple days. If I didn't hear something in a few weeks, I should enquire.

Yeah... no.
Don't think so.

Of course I was on the phone at 9am today. You better believe I'm not sitting around waiting a few weeks for an appointment in the mail... what is this? The 1930s?

Well I'm glad I called.
Cuz the first available appointment is in... OCTOBER!
Bzzzrt!
WRONG!

I gotta tell ya... My heart sunk a bit.
It didn't get better when they told me that all of the orthos in Dunedin would be booked up like that as well.

I called up a mate of mine that's a nurse and asked him what he'd do.
He said to phone around Christchurch... an other city that's just a bit further away.

That worked out a bit better.
I was hearing things more like "August" and even "Mid July" :)
But when I heard "How about Wednesday?"... I did have to pause for a second and ask "this Wednesday??".

Woops

Well that was pretty stupid.
After not skiing for something like 15 years, I jump back into the deep end on someone else's skis.. and without adjusting the bindings. Moron.

So how'd it happen?
Was out skiing with a mate. It was really really icy, but things were going well. I'd been out on the Greens for a while and things were going well. We headed up to the peak and started carving up the blues.

Down one of the harder blues (black?), I fell over. I don't exactly remember much of going down... classic "It's all a blur"... but I do recall the moment when I thought "shit.. this is where the bindings let go"... and then they didn't. That didn't feel good.

When I stopped sliding, I felt good that I'd been smart enough to wear a helmet. My knee was feeling painful, but not a sharp pain. I laid there for a bit and the pain subsided.

When I got up, it wasn't feeling bad, so I tried to turn down the hill and ski easy and slow, but fell right over. I unclipped and tried to walk down, but my knee had no strength and I feel right over.

My friend called ski patrol and they carted me down.

One interesting bit of the story...
All the emergency people that attended to me... women. Heck, even my friends that I was skiing with ;) Even the people that carted me down the hill. Well... there was one guy... he drove the snowmobile that drug us the last bit to the emergency shack.

Anyway
Nope, no pain.
That's apparently how these ones go.
When I got down to the medical center in town for x-rays, the doc there said I'd totally broken off my ACL... "It's gone" she said, kinda to herself and kinda to me. I thought she was joking for a second.

So next up I get scheduled for surgery.
It's Sunday here, so that's not happening till at least tomorrow. It's likely going to be a bit slower process as well cuz I'll prob have to have an MRI first, then schedule the surgery la la la.

But the sooner I get into the pipeline the better.
"Normal" recovery is something like six weeks. I'm a tad skeptical since I took the damn thing completely off. We'll see.

Oh, as some have been asking... yes, this is covered by the government insurance program.

Jim

Jetlag

It's 4am and I actually feel like I've slept in?
Hahaha, jetlag can be so much... fun?

Ah, so good to be back though :)
I'm staying at Abi's so there's no stuff to move since he was holding on to what little gear I had over here. Sorry, no great "moving" stories.

I thought all this "white dirt" would take a bit of getting used to, but man.. what growing up in the stuff does to you eh? What do they say... "like riding a bike". Oh how nice it is that it's up there in the mountains but not down here! Living in slush I think was my most hated aspect of winter. And true to form, so far it's in the 40s. Very tolerable.

Flying over the skifield yesterday made me a bit itchy to get out the skis :) Hahaha, much fun having a season pass for work. Oh darn, will have to use that.

The truck's batteries were a bit dead. A little inspection though revealed low water levels. So that's #1 on the list today. Gotta have wheels ;)

It was a bit sad, as it always is, leaving everyone back in the States. But man oh man, it is good to be back. Even with the cold. I'm back in my "happy place".

Jim

Guess I'll get a new post up here.
Crazy fun summer. Almost over :(
Less than a week to go.

Then it's off to Utah, Colorado, Maryland and finally Virginia. We'll see how it all goes.

Till then, still more fun to be had ;)
Jim